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“Is the route to happiness, Sam, to get a man?” asked my friend Mike, in our group WhatsApp chat. “Do you think? In your experience?”
Hmmm. Good question.
When I recovered from the audacity, absurdity, and arrogance of the question, I could see that it was indeed a good question. The short answer is no, of course, the route to happiness is not to get a man!
In reality, it’s not as simple as that. Many women, although they may not admit it, do they think they will be happy when they’ve found a man. (Boy are they in for a shock!) For many years, I was one of those women!
Most, if not all, of us think we’ll be happy when we’ve reached or acquired some external goal or thing: a new job, more money, lost weight, a relationship, etc. My Facebook friend Chiara McHale calls it “destination addiction” – a phrase I had not heard of before.
What most people fail to realise is that happiness is an inside job. Paradoxically, when you get happy, you get what you want. Most people are going about it the wrong way around. When you get so happy that you no longer want or need that thing, when you could take it or leave it, that’s when it comes along.
I spent many years desperately trying to find love. People used to say to me, “it will happen when you least expect it” and “you’ve got to love yourself first”. I got sick of hearing it. I thought if one more person says that to me, I’m going to punch them in the nose.
The most annoying thing is that, of course, they were right!
In 2015, I got happy, and on 30 December 2015, I started my relationship with Andrew Piotrowski, better known as Mr Sexy Pants (MSP).
Side note: as many of you will know, I still have a long way to go to achieve happiness. It is an ongoing learning experience. I did get to the point where I was sufficiently happy in myself to be able to attract and (this is important) maintain a happy, healthy relationship.
When I got happy and started to love myself, I found a relationship very quickly. People often made the mistake of thinking it was MSP who had made me happy.
“It’s so good to see that Andy makes you happy,” they would crow in delight. I was quick to correct them, “No, Andy doesn’t make me happy. I make myself happy. He is a symptom not the cause.”
How do you learn to love yourself?
I soon realised that everyone was right, and you do have to learn to love yourself first. My next question was, how do you learn to love yourself?
There are many ways to learn to love yourself. In this post, I share three techniques.
Affirmations
Affirmations, especially mirror affirmations, are very effective. My favourites for self-love are “I am enough” and “I love and approve of myself”. Looking in the mirror and saying “I love you” as you look into your own eyes is particularly powerful.
I recently read a book called “Stop Checking Your Likes: Shake Off the Need for Approval and Live an Incredible Life” by Susie Moore. Her book inspired me to look in the mirror and say, “You are hot stuff,” as I give myself a little pat on the bum.
Just after I started doing this, I said to MSP. “I am hot stuff!” “You ARE hot stuff babe!” he replied. I did look hot that day and not in a sweaty way.
The next day, I said to him, “How does it feel to have a girlfriend who is hot stuff?” As I said it, I realised I was not looking my best. It was mid-lockdown. I was still in my pyjamas (at dinner time), I hadn’t washed my face or brushed my hair or even my teeth!” He looked at me. Opened his mouth to say something. Shut his mouth. Then he looked at me again, and we both burst out laughing.
Self-care
Self-care is key to loving yourself. Treat yourself as you would treat a lover or how you would want a lover to treat you! Cook yourself a healthy meal, go on a date with yourself, light some candles, and have a bath with Epsom salts and essential oils.
Spend time alone
From what I’ve seen and from my experience, one of the best ways to love yourself, overcome loneliness, and achieve happiness is to disconnect from the world and spend some time alone. Turn off your phone, computer and the TV for a couple of hours or even better a day and reconnect with yourself. Disconnect to reconnect.
So, do you need a man to be happy?
No. As I’ve already mentioned, happiness is an inside job, and it can’t be found in external things such as money, jobs, and relationships. If you do want to find a relationship, then becoming happy and learning to love yourself first is key.
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